When I was in my early thirties my mother, who had died when I was 20, sat at the end of my bed one night. This would be a life changing moment for me. I would question EVERYTHING, including my sanity. The rosary above belonged to my mom. My sister made sure I got it after my grandmother died. It holds a very special place in my heart. (I even have a bizarre meta-physical story about this rosary that I will write about some day.)
Growing up Christian there were two main ideas that I seemed to walk away with. One, that God was outside of me and he looked like Joseph or some bearded man in the sky. AND that Jesus had died so I could be forgiven for my sins. Neither of which made any sense to me, ever. I mean really? I could go so many places with these ideas…
As an adult I explored countless religions and longed to find somewhere I belonged. I never felt any connection to God or spirit through organized religion. In my mid-twenties I read many books including numerous ones by Silvia Brown thinking I had some answers. I saved my quit smoking money to have a physic reading with her only to be disappointed, heart-broken and again doubt any spiritual connection.
Let me assure you that when your dead mother sits on the end of your bed it is time to figure it out. I decided to prove my experiences as well as my sanity though a different avenue; science. This phase of my life I learned about quantum physics, about energy, and about thought as a creative force. Being able to connect to my own intuition through the power of my mind was empowering. My sense of spirituality would be scientific.
However, my new found version of spirituality would come with a price. I would be ridiculed by neighbors, accused of practicing voodoo and witchcraft by family, told I did not believe in God, and have family telling their own version of Jesus to my daughter trying to “save” her. Going against the grain is never easy but not staying true to who you are is even more painful. Eventually I would gain confidence, make new friends, and even start a meeting,Evolving Minds, where I would finally have a safe place to talk meta-physics and spirituality.
Life would come with challenges and pain that left me desiring a connection that wasn’t so science based. This year I began to study Shamanism. I struggled in the beginning because all of my training and studying had been so scientific. However, the magic and rituals of Shamanism were fascinating and beautiful. I learned ways to connect to nature, animal totems, spirit guides,and maybe even my higher self. The spiritual connection I was missing was finally right in front of me.
Although my journey to finding a spiritual connection would seem daunting at times, today I am blessed to have both science and nature based understanding of spirituality. I don’t feel the need to hide or to prove my experiences. I no longer hide my ideas and beliefs and am confident in my journey. The combination of science and nature have empowered me. I feel whole, connected, and free to be who I am.
My version of spirituality means knowing who you are, using your own unique gifts and doing good for the world. Simple, kind, and transforming. I am little bit of a modern day hippie dreaming of peace and love (and chocolate too) wrapped up as mom and business woman filled with fascinating stories about earthly and spiritual existences meshing.
Wishing you whatever you need to be confident in your journey, connected to Spirit, and free to be you.
Amy S McCae
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Amy McCae 